So a look at my last post tells me it's been nearly three full months since I've written anything.  It's not that I haven't tried.  I had one post half-written around the end of June, but then life got in the way and I ended up canning it before it was done.  Two months later, I had a second post that covered pretty much the whole summer, and have now thrown that one in the shitter, too.  Why?  Because it wasn't saying what I wanted it to.  I realized recently that the reason it wasn't saying what I wanted was because I was writing it for you, not me.  That's not the way it should be.

So here's what's gonna happen:  There's only gonna be a short summer recap, and here it is:

Went to South Lake Tahoe as soon as school was over.  Worked.  It was alright.  If I'd stayed longer, I might have gotten more out of it.  Not sure it's the type of thing I wanna do full-time.  Snowed a lot.  MADDENING, because I wanna do outside mountain warm-weather stuff, not outside mountain cold-weather stuff.  Especially not in May and June.
Flew to England.  Volunteered at World Forum for Enterprise and the Environment (WFEE) at Oxford.  It was neat.  Got to hear lots of interesting views and talk to some very knowledageable people.
Very early on July 4, flew to the desert because Dad was dying.  On July 9, at approximately 3:47 a.m., he died.  Very sad.  I dealt with it.  I think.  Maybe not.  Very hard to say, honestly.
Flew back to England.  Immediately got to work on two classes (comparative environmental policy and global governance of climate change).  Worked a lot.  Read A LOT.  Wrote a lot.  Stressed a lot.  In between, did some fun stuff.  Oxford is very pretty and historic.  Saw Parliament, Buckingham Palace & Changing of the Guard, Stonehenge, Cambridge, etc., etc.  Saw the Bouncing Souls in London.  Sweet.  Saw "Wicked" in London.  Very cool.  Rewarding experience overall.
Flew back to the desert.  Said goodbye to Dad.  Hung out for a bit in the heat.
Flew back to Bloomington.  Got ready to start school.  Started school.
END OF SUMMER

So there ya have it.  Clearly I have more thoughts about all of these things than just this.  However, those are my thoughts, and I've decided to keep them that way.

Well, most of them, anyway.  There is this:  I spent a lot of time alone this summer.  Some of this was by design, some was just because I was busy studying/working.  Some of it was being alone in a crowd.  I hate that.  I don't like going to bars or clubs or other crowded places with huge groups of people.  It's usually too crowded, too loud, and just too MUCH for me to actually enjoy myself.  I can only take those types of situations in small doses before I just have to get out of there.  I would rather spend time on my own, or with small groups of people in places where you can actually hold conversations without yelling and there aren't a hundred other things going on that can distract my attention.  Either that, or at least have something else to hold my attention, a reason to go out:  a band to see, a game to watch, a pool table, whatever.  Because sitting around and drinking and pretending to enjoy myself just isn't enough.

Alas, I keep getting hit in the face with the truth that the rest of the world seems to be the exact opposite.  Whether it was in South Lake, or England, or back here where it feels like I've been too a zillion "yay, we're all back together!" celebrations in the last couple of weeks, everywhere I go, I feel like there are dozens of people there with me, some of whom I know, but mostly not well, and thus I can't fully by myself.  It feels like forced socializing, socializing for the sake of socializing, and I can't take much of that.  I've never really defined myself by the people surrounding me.  I'm normally perfectly happy kickin' it on my own, which is probably why I choose to undertake activities that can be done just as well alone as they can with others.  So it frustrates me when I start trying to fit in more by going and hanging out with oodles of other people.  It's those times that I very quickly start feeling like a square peg desperately trying to pound myself into a round hole.  It's never worked before, so why should it now?

This summer I feel like I reached some sort of epiphany, a turning point of sorts.  I have no idea where I am turning to.  What I do know is that it's time to decide who and what I wanna be, and then embrace that.  I need to strip away some of the bullshit in my life and see what's left, then do the things that make me happy.

Here's what I will and will not do:

*I WILL NOT put myself in situations where I might kinda sorta have a little bit of fun, but more likely just feel very awkward standing around like a waste of space.  It's just not worth it anymore, and makes me more frustrated than I need to be.
*I WILL go to the social events that I want to go to, but I WILL NOT stay longer than I want to.  When I get bored, restless, or just feel like I need a break from the crowd (usually at about the two hour mark), I'm just gonna go.  Nothing personal; it's just time for me to go and do something else for a while.  Also, nothing personal (probably) if I don't show up at all.  Feel free to invite me to your function, and if I don't go, it probably just means I don't feel up to it that day.  Try me again next time.
*I WILL buckle down and work hard.  Not that that will be difficult to do for me.
*I WILL stop wasting time thinking about what-ifs and coming up with reasons for not doing things that need to be done.  If there is a task to be completed or a conversation that needs to be had that might be a bit unpleasant, I'm just gonna breathe deep and do it.  Sooner begun, sooner done.
*I WILL stop procrastinating with lots of piddly little shit, like fartin' around on the Internet instead of getting things done.  The quicker I get my work done, the bigger blocks of time I will have available to actually go out and do something enjoyable and meaningful.
*I WILL NOT work myself to death, and I WILL use those blocks of time to explore and find new diversions.  This should enrich my life and make me happier.
*I WILL NOT concern myself any longer with what other people are doing and whether they are leading more interesting, exciting lives than me.  All I can do is what I can do, and that will have to be enough.  On a related note, I WILL NOT try and act like my life is some rich and fulfilling journey and I'm having the time of my life, because I'm not.  I get by.  Could be better, could be worse.  I'm sure I could be happier, so maybe I should stop worrying about what other people think and go out and make myself happier.
*I WILL NOT keep chasing after women who don't want to be caught.  Not that I will stop chasing, period.  But if you're not interested, I'm just going to accept that and move on.  I will leave the door open for your change of heart later, but I'm going to continue an active pursuit, or obsess over how things went wrong.  Nothing personal.  I just don't have time to waste on you if you don't want the same things I do.  If you do change your mind, you'll have to come to me, because I'm not going to come to you again.

So there's the gameplan.  Check back in a few weeks and we'll see how things're going.  Kay?

That's it, I'm going to bed.